Living Life Fully’s Daily Pick-Me-Up

I’m sitting in the restaurant area of a hotel right now, listening to a television program and its accompanying commercials.  It’s a very frustrating experience–it’s some sort of morning news program on which the people are speaking very loudly at each other–not to each other–and seemingly looking for conflict no matter what they say.  The commercials are borderline fraudulent:  “For only $9.99.  But wait!  If you order now we’ll double your order!”  I’ve listened to people calling all Democrats stupid, and others insult all Republicans for their lack of ethics.

Hearing all this makes me even more glad that we don’t have television in our home.  We have a television set, but it’s hooked up to a DVD player so that we can choose what we want to watch, when we want to watch it.  I have to wonder how people feel after watching an entire hour of this type of conflict, this type of hype, these types of meanness–especially if watching such programs is a regular part of their days.  Whenever I’m reminded of the types of rudeness and the lack of respect that people show each other in our media, it surprises me less that I see such behavior out on the street every day.  After all, what goes in must come out, right?

In many ways, we’re working our way more and more towards becoming a culture of conflict.  Our media are focusing on conflict more and more as it becomes more and more profitable for them.  The key words in programmers’ vocabularies seem to be conflict and competition–but when was the last time we saw significant programming devoted to something such as cooperation?  Love?  Peace of mind?  Hope?

If we start reading a book and we don’t like it, we stop reading it, don’t we?  But if we start watching a television program and we’re not enjoying it, we simply change the channel.  And many times we change it until we find the least objectionable program for us–in other words, we choose the lesser of many evils, while not thinking at all about what effects it may be having on us.  Why not just turn the thing off?

There’s obviously nothing inherently wrong with TV.  But not all programming is created equal.  If we want to feel peace in our minds and hearts, then we can’t focus two of our five senses on negativity.  Television, as with anything else, can have its place.  But as I finish up here, listening to these people interrupt each other, speak condescendingly to each other, insult each other, and dish up health doses of self-aggrandizement, then I realize that the decision that my wife and I made well over a year ago to turn off our TV for good to outside programmers is definitely a very healthy decision.  We can program for ourselves with the great selection of DVD’s out there, and that’s definitely the best for us.

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Probably the most difficult thing that I ever had to teach myself in life was the fact that I was–and am–lovable.  I grew up thinking that I was completely unlovable, that no one would ever love me, that there was somehow something wrong with me that made it impossible to love me.  And with that thought buried deeply within me, guess how I always acted around other people?  I acted as if they never could love me.  And since I acted that way and felt that way, guess how other people saw me?  As pretty unlovable, believe it or not.

But something that I’ve learned in the meantime is that I am lovable–that we all are lovable children of God, that we all have lovable qualities that make us truly unique.  Learning this was a great shock to me, for I had to include myself in the “all” category.  And if I were lovable, then guess what?  I didn’t need to have someone else be in love with me in order for me to know that I’m lovable.  It’s a pretty liberating realization to make, especially for someone like me who never considered himself to be lovable at all.

Some people have problems on the other end of the spectrum and consider themselves to be much more irresistable than they really are.  It’s really quite a similar problem, though in a different way.  But many of us have a hard time thinking that other people can actually love us, and learning–and accepting–that we are lovable is a very important part of our growth as human beings.  After all, why and how would God ever create a being that is completely unlovable?  It just doesn’t make sense.  If God made us, then what are we saying about God when we claim that we’re not good enough for people to love us?

You’re lovable, too.  Have you looked at yourself as a lovable person lately?  What do you see when you do?  How do you feel when you do?  It’s a great feeling to know that we’re lovable, and I hope that you treat yourself to that feeling as often as possible.  You may not be truly loved by the people you wish would love you, but that’s a question of just finding the right people who do love you, who do appreciate you for just who and what you are.  And it won’t be until you admit and accept that you are lovable that you’ll truly love yourself–and it won’t be until you truly love yourself that you’ll be able to love anyone else truly, without condition.  When we realize these facts, it becomes imperative that we reach a point at which we see and feel ourselves as lovable.  A lot depends on our ability to do this!

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We don’t always have to do everything ourselves–sometimes it’s best to step back and let someone else contribute.  Today, it’s Bernie Siegel:

I have always found it hard to prune a tree and relatively easy to operate on someone.  That may seem coldhearted, but when I am operating on someone I am removing a disease or correcting some defect in the person’s body.  I can remove dead limbs from trees, but any other pruning is upsetting because I don’t want to saw through something that is alive and appears healthy.

One day I was standing in our yard next to our mimosa tree with Jeff, who is a master gardener.  “Dad, you need to prune this,” Jeff said, pointing to the tree.

The branch he was pointing to was very large and covered with many beautiful blossoms.  I told him I didn’t mind that it grew at an odd angle.  I didn’t care about the shape or symmetry of the tree.  The branch was alive and bearing blossoms and I didn’t want to lose it.

Jeff listened to my impassioned plea and then said, “Dad, if you don’t prune the tree, it will die.”

Now he was speaking my language.  If we were dealing with a threat to the life of my patient, then I could understand my consultant’s advice and the need to operate.  I got out my saw and removed the limb.

What did Jeff and the mimosa tree teach me about life?  There are times when you must be willing to give up a part of yourself to save your life.  In some cases, it means literally giving up a part of your body or the loss of the use of limbs or organs.

How much you regret giving part of yourself up depends on how you define yourself.  It is easier to lose parts of your body if you understand your essence and realize you are more than the sum of your parts.  You have a spirit and soul that cannot be altered by pruning.  Yes, the envelope can be altered and the container can be crushed, but the essence remains unaltered.  Your faith and love can continue to exist no matter how badly your physical body is damaged.

This is a difficult lesson for most of us.  Take a look around and you’ll see the people who have gone on living and loving despite disfigurement, paralysis or loss of limb.  If you see their example, learn from them and realize that you are a spirit.  Then you will understand how to give up physical parts of yourself and still be capable of performing acts for the greater good.

I removed a portion of the lovely mimosa so it could go on providing us with beauty for many years to come.  I believe the tree understood this more easily than we do.  Whether you are pruned by surgery, aging or disease, accept the fact that you must give up portions of yourself, at times, in order to survive and continue growing toward the light.  Remember that losing one part may lead to the enhancement of others.  Your work of art is not finished until the day you die.

(An excerpt from his book Prescriptions for Living.)

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We had a bus break down on our way to a track meet yesterday.  We were stuck out in the middle of nowhere on the side of the Interstate with cars and trucks flying by at 75 mph.  Three coaches, a bus driver, and 26 high school athletes.  As you can imagine, time went pretty slowly there, with nothing much to do but wait for the replacement bus to come and get us.  Most of the students waited outside the bus, on the far side of the guard rail, throwing rocks down the hill next to us and checking out all the garbage that people had thrown from their cars.

A couple of them found an old piece of cardboard.  Once they had that, it was a matter of moments before they came up with a marker and started writing on it.  Within a couple of minutes, they were standing next to the guard rail with the cardboard raised high towards the cars.  Some of the drivers started honking their horns, but most of them were going far too fast even to read the relatively small letters.

In my position, I simply had to find out what was written on their sign.  If there was something offensive or vulgar on the sign and none of us coaches did anything about it, we could have had some very negative fallout–especially with the name of the school written on the bus.  So I kept my eyes on the sign, waiting for the guy who was holding it to turn around for a moment.

It wasn’t long before he did, and when I was able to read the sign I felt a surge of hope, a flow of optimism about life in general and our students in particular.  For written on the sign for all to see were the words “Honk if you love life.”

There are so many things that a small group of 15-17-year-olds could have come up with.  There are so many ways that they could have tried to push buttons and infuriate people.  But there on the side of the highway while waiting for relief from a bus that had broken down, they came up with a beautiful message to share with everyone who happened to drive by.

I think that tomorrow on my way to work I’m going to wait until I’m in an uncrowded spot where no one can misinterpret a stray noise, and honk my horn for the memory of that sign, and in honor of the kids who shared a bit of hope with us in a most unexpected way.  Perhaps you, too–somewhere, some time–could honk if you love life.

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Sometimes all that things in our lives need in order to become something new and different is for us to take a new look at them.  When we get used to them and start taking them for granted, or when we stop seeing them for the special and unique things that they are, we can lose our sense of perspective.  We can lose our appreciation for their beauty, their uniqueness, their specialness.  But they don’t really lose those things at all–we simply stop seeing them because we’re so caught up in seeing them in the ways that we think they should be.

In the movie Dead Poets Society, one of the characters does a good job of reframing something for a friend of his.  When the friend’s parents buy him the exact same desk set for his birthday that they had bought him a year earlier, he finds humor in the situation and convinces his friend that the desk set is very aerodynamic–and gets him to throw it off the roof to make him feel better.  The desk set didn’t change at all, but by reframing the set and the situation, the young man is able to make a depressing time much more bearable for his friend.

Sometimes all we need is reframing for ourselves.  When we stop seeing the specialness in a spouse or another family member, perhaps it’s time to try to see that person through someone else’s eyes.  When we get tired of our car, it can be time to start thinking of life without a car, or with the first car we ever had.  Trying to imagine how something would look through the eyes of a child can be very helpful–after all, kids still have that ability to feel the sense of wonder that can make something look much more special than it is–or even exactly as special as it is.

In our culture, we tend to think that when something has run its course, when we get tired of something, then it’s time to replace it.  I think that our lives could be much simpler and fulfilling if we stopped replacing so many things and simply learned how to look at things with new eyes, and with new appreciation for the qualities that we liked in them in the first place.

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I have about 140 students divided between five classes at school.  If you think that means that I’m not able to give the individual attention to each student that I could or should be giving, well, you’re right.  With that many students I’m able to take care of all the basic work such as preparing classes and grading all of their work–if I’m lucky.  So I have to make an extra effort to give the extra encouragement that I know most people need.

I make it a point to give extra encouragement to one or two students a day, since I know I can’t make one-on-one contact with them all.  I try to rotate it, too, so that in the course of a month or so I hit almost everyone.  And then I start again.  The encouragement doesn’t always have the results that I wish it would, but I don’t let my unfulfilled expectations keep me from trying again the next day, and the next.  After all, the encouragement is free for me to give, and the potential benefits from it are amazing.

There are other things that we can do on that sort of level, too.  For example, we can read one or two chapters of a good self-help book each day to bring ourselves up and make ourselves feel better.  We can read one or two pages or chapters of books focused on our professions to help us to function better and make our jobs easier.  We can throw one or two dollars into a big bottle to someday have a very special night out or even a very cool vacation.  We can walk one or two miles a day to improve our health, or we can even run the same distance.

Most things in life don’t take a huge investment in order for us to reach success.  Most things take simply dedication and consistency.  I may not be the best teacher my students ever have had, or the most memorable, but I know for a fact that many students appreciate the encouragement that I give them.  And if I focus on giving it to one or two–or four or five, even–each day, then I will be making a difference in the lives of some students, no matter how slight a difference that may be.  It most certainly is worth the effort to me, and to the other people in my life upon whom I have an effect.

Our workaday lives are filled with opportunities to bless others.  The power of a single glance or an encouraging smile must never be underestimated.

G. Richard Rieger

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I suppose the greatest frustration that I face as a teacher is seeing just how unaware students are of the opportunities they have.  I’ve always loved to learn, and I always saw classes as a way to add to my knowledge or skills.  Many of the high school students in my classes, though, have no interest at all in learning, and they don’t recognize the opportunities that they have to improve their minds and their spirits if they simply would apply themselves a little and make the effort necessary to learn what the teachers are trying to teach them.

The frustration, though, is all mine.  They don’t cause it–they’re simply doing what they do.  I’m getting pretty good at getting less frustrated, at focusing less on what they’re not doing and more on what they are doing.  After all, I also have plenty of opportunity in class–opportunities to get to know the students, to learn from them, and to learn more myself about the subject areas that I’m teaching.  And if I stay chained to my frustration, then I’ll lose my own opportunities, won’t I?

I think it would be kind of interesting to find out just how many opportunities that I’ve squandered myself.  That’s one of the reasons that I can’t get too upset at my students–after all, I’ve done similar things, and I’ve turned out fairly okay.  They have an awful lot on their minds, and sometimes what we’re doing in class simply comes in eighth or ninth place on their list of priorities, behind the problems at home, their relationship problems, friends, and so much more.

Yes, they may be squandering important opportunities, but which of us hasn’t?  One of my most important on-going goals these days is to pay attention to the opportunities that are there in my life and to take advantage of them all that I can.  I have many opportunities every day–to encourage, to help, to give, to take, to earn, to grow, to smile, to laugh, to share, to be–and my life most definitely is less full if I continue to squander these opportunities that can make me a better and richer person.

Great opportunities come to all, but many do not know they have met them.  The only preparation to take advantage of them is simple fidelity to watch what each day brings.

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One of the most difficult lessons that I continue to struggle with in life is that of letting go.  There are so many situations in my life that are completely out of my control, yet I somehow feel that I should be able to make them turn out well just with a little bit of effort or with intervention on my part.  This is usually just wrong, though–such situations will take care of themselves much more easily and effectively when I’m able simply to let go of my need to try to make things happen the way that I think they should, and allow them to happen in their natural ways.

Usually when I have trouble letting go it’s because I want to help someone else.  Perhaps they come to me for advice, and I start to think that I somehow can solve their problems for them.  And when I give someone advice, I feel that it’s important that they actually put my advice into practice so that their problems will go away.

The wisest people in the world, though–the truly wise, not those people who claim to be wise–have always said that the best thing to do if we want to help others is to stand back and allow them to live their lives.  Yes, we can give them advice, but then it’s important to leave them be with that advice and allow them to do with it whatever they will.  Perhaps they’ll heed it, and that will be good.  Perhaps they’ll ignore it completely, and that will be good, too.  Either path may not lead to the best of results, but both paths allow them to take actions, see results, and learn from experience.

There are billions of people living their lives right now who have no idea that I exist, much less that I might have advice for them.  And I’m fine with that.  When we get close to people, though, we tend to think that our level of influence and control over their lives grows, but if we want to respect them and allow them to be who they are, we’ll let go of any semblance of what we believe to be control that we can.  Let’s let people live their lives with our input, but without our expectations of what they should do and when they should do it.  That way we can allow them to be free to live their own lives their own way, and we can lose the stress and tension that come from trying to control the lives of others, or even our own lives.  Let go, and let things be–two great pieces of advice that can lead to more happiness and fulfillment in our lives.

Letting go doesn’t mean we don’t care.  Letting go doesn’t mean we shut down.  Letting go means we stop trying to force outcomes and make people behave.  It means we give up resistance to the way things are, for the moment.  It means we stop trying to do the impossible–controlling that which we cannot–and instead, focus on what is possible–which usually means taking care of ourselves.  And we do this in gentleness, kindness, and love, as much as possible.

Melody Beattie

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Sometimes it just feels right to present something that someone else wrote.  After all, there are many wonderful passages out there that can be quite helpful and inspiring to us.  And sometimes when we just don’t feel it inside of ourselves, it’s good to go with the flow and not try to force something to come out.  So here are some words that have been extremely helpful to me, as they’ve given me a new perspective on just who and what I am:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?  Actually, who are you NOT to be?  You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.  There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won’t feel unsure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.  It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.  As we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

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I just finished taking a class of high school students through the book Dances with Wolves, exploring the changes through which the main character passes in the course of the narrative.  The most fascinating thing about making our way to the end of the novel, though, was realizing just how strongly the novel explored the concept of identity, and the idea that perhaps the identities that we were born with and raised under aren’t necessarily our true identities.

In the novel, Dunbar is an Army lieutenant, but he’s a man who never has felt a part of anything.  He’s always considered himself to be an outsider, someone who doesn’t belong.  When he finally “becomes” Comanche, though, he finds his true identity, and he feels authentic for the first time in his life.  It’s not that he’s rejecting what he was, but more like he has reached an important place in his life towards which he had been traveling a very long time.

How long do most of us hold on to the identities that we’re born and raised with?  How many people do you know who would fight to the death to maintain the identities with which they feel the most comfortable?

Could it be, though, that our true, authentic identities lie elsewhere than we think they do?  Is it possible that one of our purposes in life could be to find out, to discover, who we truly are inside, as opposed to what we’ve been taught we are (which very often is more like what someone else wants us to be)?  For example, I’ve always considered myself to be a college teacher, but now that I’m teaching high school for the first time, I find myself very comfortable there.  So which am I–a college teacher, or a high school teacher?

The students really appreciated the idea that this man found his identity in something that previously had been outside of himself.  They appreciated the fact that he had an open enough mind just to consider that there might be much to learn and appreciate in the Comanche way of life, as opposed to the other white men of his time who thought that Indians were simply savages who should be exterminated.  They appreciated the fact that he had enough presence of mind to see clearly who treated him as a human being, and who treated him as just another soldier.

What is your identity?  It’s not an easy question to answer if we think it through carefully.  We can learn a lot, though, from the novelist if we think that our identities may be somewhere other than where we think they are–who we are is inside of us, and our authentic selves may fit better in different contexts than the ones we’ve been taught they should fit in.  If we keep our eyes and hearts open, we may someday find the places and the people we’re meant to be with, and it may surprise us a great deal to find out who and where that is!

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